Sunday, July 10, 2011

Ignorance ..not so much of a bliss

I've been keeping my thoughts away from a long time now, from others and from myself. For anything to exist it doesn't always require to be acknowledgement. I have been ignoring my thoughts in written and voice.

Sometimes I feel like the less of these thoughts the easier my life would be. Actually I have a friend who lives this rule and seems pretty happy, only difference is, he has it naturally and I try to force it on myself. And let me tell you, it hasn't worked much for it.

I'm not an evil mind or anything, but I am definitely a hyper thinker (not sure if that is a term). I'm not really sure why the Ignorance took over but I do know that my life runs in phases. There are phases on self ignorance, self importance, friendly and social, TV is my life, fitness freak and what not..

I mostly see my life to be something I dreamed of, in fact I'm dreaming of living a certain life most of the times than actually living one.

I'm going to try some acceptance now, accepting myself and not ignoring it. I will try to do some of the things I dream of and live the dream, at least start to try.

Right now I'm not really sure of what is it that I'm after. Maybe I don't need to be after anything.

But ignorance hasn't helped, so I'm hoping acceptance will.


Monday, April 20, 2009

I will always remember you as..

In your lifetime you may have known thousands of people, but only few leave only few manage to make space in you heart and live there. These special people maybe family, friends or lovers and they share a part of you life with you. But sometimes there are also other people whom we don't know very well, yet they manage to be in our memories and there's always a special way in which you remember them.

We have images and fond memories of people and sometimes that is how you save them in your memories. An image, a word, a touch or sometimes a phase you went through with them.

I have a loving family and few good friends, and when I look down the memory lane there are some people I remember, those whom I don't know very well but I remember them in certain ways and for they will always be remembered in that way only.

People I will always remember this way..

My first crush--I was in third standard and as every year I was taking part in the annual function. We were doing a play on Sleeping Beauty and this boy was to be my prince. Whenever the part where 'he kissed her little finger' came this boy got red in the cheeks and picked my hand, placed his thumb over my little finger and then kissed his own thumb. Ofcourse the teachers caught this shy act and the seniors teased him to kiss my little finger and that's how all the hype began. Girls started teasing me with his name and I started blushing. I don't think I had any idea of what a crush means but yes I did enjoy all the teasing and him blushing. A year later he moved to the neighboring Boys school and I only heard stories of how cheap and roadside he had become. This is how he was in my memory, the Prince who kissed his own finger. :)
I recently found him on facebook and he still refers to me as 'Sleeping Beauty', but I never returned the gesture by calling him 'Prince', but in my mind 'Prince to the Sleeping Beauty' he will be.

My sister--No matter how old we grow but the way I remember my sister in my mind is her in our boarding school days. We used to be together and even though she hated to have me around (mostly as i fought with all her friends) she did take care of me. I remember us waking up at night and asking to accompany to the washroom as we would be dead scared of all the haunting stories we had heard. I remember her asking me to move the beds closer so she could hold my hand and sleep when she would be scared.My sister is beautiful and I've seen her turn into such a fun person. But I will always remember my sister from my boarding school.

My friend -- she was a friend of mine in my boarding school and for most of the part I remember my only friend. We were both the shortest in the class and always played with stones. We sat in the front row and talked about silly childhood fantasies. She had a crush on a boy from our neighboring school and the boys often came to play hockey. He was in the hockey team and since we girls were beginners they came to our rescue. I remember when once he was teaching her how to hold the stick right and she was blushing away and looking back instead of front. I always remember her with him. I even tried to get them talking and told him that she liked her, but he didn't recognise her and then few months later he left the school and went away. Pema and laddoo.
I also met this friend again on orkut, but she doesn't respond to my scraps or mails.

If I gt down to it, there can be so many more people I could count, but for today this is it.

How do you remember people? a conversation? a name? a kiss?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Self made RULES; Work or don't?

As I promised or thought I will be back again, so here I am.

I was talking to this friend, no acquaintance yesterday. Before we go ahead let me tel you this, I don't have many friends, for which I try to console myself with the idea that 'quality is better than quantity', but I do know people and most them are not my friends, coz they don't know my nickname or which school I went to, but yes they do now where I live now and what I do and vice verse. I really don't know where in my social circle to put them, so they are 'acquaintance'; like the guys who are my last option to go out clubbing, like the people in my office I go on breaks and talk to them only to assure myself than I still have a active tongue muscle and vocal chords, like the people I see twice a week in my dance class and say brightly 'hello' to, etc.

So this person I was talking to was one of the 'last option for clubbing' ones and he called to say if we could make plans for this weekend. I was talking to him being polite when in my mind I'm thinking "why does he only call when he wants to make clubbing plans?; Why am I worrying about it even I don't want him to call me otherwise coz the word 'conversation' does not exist for him; so why do we go with anyways?", anyway and he starts to flirt or try to to flirt which is even more annoying and I clearly tell him that
Me : "I don't consider my friends as boyfriends"
Him :"why?"
Me :"If things don't work out well then you end up losing your friendship also",
Him : "How do you know if you don't try it?"
Me : "I know it"

I think he realized that this would never end with my positive response he chose to agree on my idea.

And today I'm thinking

The rules we make for ourselves, do they help us to simplify our lives or do they bound us from exploring what's out there?

Here's a list of some of my rules that I didn't sit down and write anywhere but have been following for some time now. And using my fair judgement decide if they are working for me or not.

--Never consider 'Friends' to be prospects of being 'boyfriends'--this works very well for me, and also that I can never see a friend 'that way' helps.

--Not get up close and personal with people at office (except if you have made a good friend) - this makes me feel so dumbstruck when around colleagues, I am thinking before speaking out every word, literally!

--No link up/ flirting amongst colleagues -- I think this is very important but could never apply this as all people around me are not-eligible anyways

--Be totally honest with friends -- this did not work for me in past, I lost friends due to my brutal honesty and no matter how much they say that this was a good thing no one like to have it in their face

That's all I can remember right now.

You tell me about you self-made rules and how they help you or not.

where are all my blogs?

It's been months since I created this blogspace and its been empty for forever. In my defence I have been posting, apparently just not here.

So where you ask?

Well, I don't even know if its okay to link your blog on someother site here, but if something goes wrong after I do, or if my space here vanishes I will know it was 'not allowed'. So here it goes, I have been posting @

And people coming to get me right now, if its some consellation then I wil update here from now on i.e if this is space is still alive. Believe me please!

If you feel like knowing something more about me then check my previous posts here

Hope this reaches where it is addressed to..

Friday, December 26, 2008

When my space took up all space.

We all need some self-time, time to think, time to 'not think', time to heal, time to deal and most importantly 'time to accept ourselves'. These times bring you closer to yourself, sometimes in spiritual terms and many times to present tense. We reflect on us and only us, how did 'I', when did 'I', Was 'I' right, what should 'I'. I truely believe that this self time needs to be more precious than any other time and this will bring to make sense of every other time you spend in your life.

I see myself everyday and want to know more about myself too. But I see a distance between me and others. I make that distance and only few people cover that distance. It takes a lot for me to drop my guard and let it be. I like people. but i don't like intruders. Don't ask me a question I don't want to answer. Don't ask for my number when I don't give you the look or chat that says 'lets be friends', don't just please don't. And all those personal questions! GOD! Its either that I don't know you at all or that you want to know all about me. 'People' has not always been my strong area but i would like to learn it and soon. I want to differntiate between my and shared space and time. Okay i know i don't like people( apart from family and friends) to share my food, is that weird? I like to share with those i care for. So?

Is the only space i know 'My space'? Selfish I'm not sure but it does make me think.

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

My first eblog: Yesterday's events

I'm starting from yesterday's events, don't know why i feel like writing about it though as nothing eventful happened. And that makes me think whether is this gonna be a trend I'm gonna follow here, writing about the 'in the past' stuff. Well, i don't want to and on second thought its just yesterday not months or years ya!

I usually wake up at 5:30 AM, yes people that's "AM" and its because my work timings are early 7am-4pm. Its somewhat by choice, actually a lot by choice and adding to it is that this timing makes my work easy too you know, co-ordinating with the team in another continent and stuff. Well, so I woke up feeling its Friday. Now I can't explain how 'you feel certain days', you have to feel them, the mood, the psyche, the attitude, many things. So if you know what I'm talking about good else I can't help you, sorry. I slept in the cab (different from what i used to do few weeks earlier, that is read), but since its really dark so its better to warm my seat and snug in it, with my ipod shuffle on all the way of course, this is good coz i listen to what i want and second it saves me from the mood dependent music the driver plays. Yes, I'm lucky to not have to drive myself to work. Reached office to find I didn't have any thing much to do (unlike most times), this just made sleep fill my eyes again but i couldn't stretch my legs and start dreaming, so i found a way to dream without stretching my legs, i lay on my desk and took a few 10 minute naps being interrupted by none but myself thinking someone might be watching me. It didn't do much but still it was ok. The day went by yawning, net surfing, reading some stuff, writing some and again yawning, cup of tea, lunch, reading , cup of tea and time to go home. But i didn't have to go home, i had to go for my Jazz dance class. Finally something interesting i think. So I took an different cab from my usual cab and asked clearly if it was going the way i wanted to, they agreed and i hoped into the middle row window seat. I always keep a novel in my bag to help me avoid awkward situations and sometimes for good time pass when I'm not sleepy. I was reading it again with my ipod on when i saw the person next to me swinging in sleep and with the first sharp turn we took her head landed on my shoulder. 'Okay' i thought. I'm very and highly individualistic, to extents where i find such stuff awkward and get stiff and conscious. So I was sitting still for 15 minutes, in between when she kept landing and taking off her head from my shoulder and was thinking of whether i should ask her to move a little to the other side, but couldn't decide. That's such a bad thing, coz even i started feeling sleepy and slept off ( not on any one's else's shoulder please).
When i woke up we were at some strange place that I've never been to. I asked the driver for the place where i needed to go and he said we didn't take that route. Crap! So he said i can get off a place that is very close to my destination and i did to find an auto and get to my dance class and i was 5 minutes late, another 3 minutes of walking to studio, changing and getting on the floor.

Seeing myself in that mirror dancing gives me enormous joy. I feel so good about myself and my life. It brings so much assurance to my mind, body and soul.

Assures my mind as it brings joy that my life is more to it than just my job, that my creativity is alive and also reminds that i will never become like all those boring people see in office all day.

Assures my body that i care for myself, i don't neglect myself and work on my body with dedication.

Assures my soul that i am keeping alive one more thing that bring me to life and makes me feel free.

The class is fun and though i don't know anyone there but i feel so in place, like i belong here and want to spend more time here. The class ends after some challenging workout and fun dance. I change and leave for home, take a hitch form one of the batch mates (like last Saturday), the only guy in the class actually, he's from Chennai and preparing for IAS. We chat along on the way about 'Delhi girls' and their habits and ways. He tries to trigger a 'i thought your boyfriend..' question to know if I'm single and i make it more than clear that I'm single and happy and not looking for anything. He goes on about it for a while and i start getting irritated and change the topic something less irritating, like listening to his love story and then drift back to 'Delhi girls'. Reach home, snug into the blanket, troubled my brother and sister with some childish stuff and my smelly feet (eeuh they really smell bad!), ate some pakora's but didn't enjoy them, they tasted good but missed the fun of fighting over them with my siblings as they had already stuffed themselves before i reached, watched 'Seinfeld' and 'Friends' and drifted off to sleep, woke up 4 hours later, went to my room, pulled out my clothes for next day and went off to sleep again.